“My child goes from 0 to 100 real quick”

A Brief Overview of the Autonomic Nervous System (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn)

Does your child seem to go from 0 to 100 in a split second? Do they seem to overreact to situations that seem like “not a big deal” to you or others around them? Or do they seem to not react to things you think they should? If so, you will want to keep reading.

Throughout our day, our brain (specifically the amygdala) is always looking for cues of “safety” and cues of “danger”. “Danger” can be a real or a perceived threat, and it does not have to be a threat to us physically. It could be a social threat, emotional threat, sensory threat, “that’s not the cup I want” threat, “my food is cut different than usual” threat, “I don’t want to wait my turn” threat...etc. The amygdala is an alarm for our body, and if it detects “danger” it triggers the autonomic nervous system, including the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. This can cause a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn state.

A person/child in a state of “fight” might be argumentative, inflexible, controlling, unable to concentrate, pushing people away, or shouting.

A person/child in a state of “flight” might be giddy and silly, running away, disruptive, unable to manage unstructured play, or will stay really busy.

A person/child in a state of “freeze” might look like they are bored/uninterested, distracted, not moving much, or daydreaming.

A person/child in a state of “fawn” might look like low mood, withdrawn, fidgety, quiet, passive, or compliant.

The above states are what happens when a nervous system is dysregulated. When our nervous system is regulated, it does not mean we have no emotions or we feel constantly happy or calm, but that we can feel emotions without them overwhelming us. When our nervous system is regulated, we feel safe, and open to social engagement and play.  

It is NORMAL to go through these different states throughout our day and to even feel like they kind of blend into one another. Over our lifetime, we hopefully learn to respond to these states in whatever way makes us feel safe again, often with the help of other people. We can constantly learn about our own nervous system, our triggers, and what helps us feel better. Children need to learn to do this too. Children learn this initially through CO-REGULATION. This is the concept of using oneself (parent) to help regulate someone else (child). Children need to be modeled a regulated nervous system so that they can learn to have a regulated nervous system themselves. The best way to help someone through one of the above states is to be PRESENT there with them. Connection with another human being is the most important cue of safety to our body. A regulated nervous system is a cue of safety to a dysregulated nervous system.

A second way to help someone in one of the above states is deep breathing. This can get tricky with children. Although some techniques work, usually if you ask a child to take a deep breath, they have no idea how to do that and simply telling them to do that can be perceived as a “danger” (i.e. “I don’t understand what they are telling me to do, what do I do!?”) and trigger a fight, flight, freeze, or fawn state. I prefer to play breathing games with children, which makes them take deep breaths, and in turn, helps teach them what a regulated nervous system feels like. The more often they can feel what a regulated nervous system feels like, the easier it becomes for them to find that regulated state when they are experiencing dysregulation. When I play these games with kids, I know I am helping regulate their nervous system, and I am regulating mine at the same time!

Download my free PDF for some ideas of breathing games for kids!